July 26, 2025 – The Start
July 26, 2025: Today is the day that I start my blog. Well, actually I tried to start it in January but it’s not really that easy to do (at least not for me as you can see by the July 28 posting date not jiving with the July 26 date of the blog…this is a work in progress). It’s not just finding the time in a busy day to write; it’s figuring out how to actually get my thoughts logically placed and edited in a Word document and then published on a blog page. None of those issues have been perfectly smoothed-out yet; but, since the right time and circumstances may never jump out at me and say NOW, it seems that I need to just go ahead and get started! (I’ve said that many times in the last few months, but I mean it this time. Really!)
One of the issues holding me up is that I want to put an explanation on the main welcome page about why I decided to start a blog. But (besides not knowing yet how to post in that section of the blog website) I keep rewriting and rethinking and praying and petitioning God about how and when to write about what it seems He has put on my heart to share. I believe He has been very patient with me but sometimes, rather than slowly dipping into a cold body of water, you just jump in (or maybe are nudged in). So, that’s what I’m going to do because, though not everyone will benefit from what I share, there will likely be some who do. That’s this new world we live in of people sharing (sometimes oversharing) their experiences and thoughts which has opened up a new level of healing and understanding (mostly good, but not all). I’ll add the explanation page later….
This morning a friend text’d saying I’d been on her mind, and I thought that what we shared with each other might be meaningful to others. My father died in April and his 100th birthday would have been this past Monday, July 21; so, she and others have checked in thinking this week may have been a little tough for me to finally get to that 100th milestone without him. For these past years that I have become more involved with his care, I have quite often had to give his date of birth which has become even more surprising to people the closer we’ve gotten to 2025. Saying 7/21/25 in 2024 had them marveling that he was born in 1925. No one could believe he was 99. I always told people that he had three wrinkles, one for each child.
He was a brave, smart, strong soldier all of his life and he still seemed to understand and engage even when he lost the ability to communicate at the very end. Even in the last months of health battles, my father was finishing his 9th book and planning his 100th birthday which we would have been celebrating today at a big party with many friends and family who instead remembered and honored him elsewhere on July 21 likely with Dr. Pepper toasts and his favorite foods.
When folks have asked me at times these last few months how I am and what I’m doing with my time now that I’m not caring for him, I have found myself giving a similar (rather puzzling) answer to what I told my friend this morning. 99 years is difficult to be sad about; so, I don’t think I’ve really grieved much. I sometimes don’t feel entitled to grieve since I got to have him for so long especially when hearing about tragic losses. But still…he was my father…and many things pinch my heart almost daily. I asked about her husband’s aunt who passed around the same time, who she had been caring for, and she said she misses her and smiles when she thinks of her. When she said she needs to go visit the people at the nursing home, I told her that a friend had visited Daddy’s grave and said the stone looks nice, but that I’m not ready to visit and see his name on the stone.
I’ve always said that it’s difficult to measure which is worse: an unexpected death in which you don’t get to say goodbye (like with my mother) or a slow death with plenty of time to say important things but with the daily reminder of the impending loss. One thing I didn’t mention to her, but have written in my journal at times, was how trying those last weeks and days got with daily goodbyes not knowing when the end would be. It was confusing to be grateful for another day while also lamenting trying to find more ways to say goodbye and reminisce with him. I told my friend that the long goodbye (and many years of caring for my father) makes me feel a little guilty for feeling a little relieved…so I think that’s why the grieving has been difficult to come by. He had a good life. I wanted more for him, though, and I was glad to be part of making it happen, but it was wearing me out.
She shared something that was really comforting to me: “My next-door neighbor felt the very same way you did when her father passed. She felt guilt for not feeling more grief, but just like you she cared for him ‘til the end and he had a long life.” This is something I would logically offer if I was consoling someone else, but I really thought I was alone feeling like I do. I know better, but when you’re in the middle of something you don’t always think about the bigger world out there and how many folks may be experiencing the same feelings and questions. That is partly why I feel compelled to pursue this blog.
I know many of us have at least one devotion book that we reference now and then. At times in the past, I’ve even gotten into a daily routine of reading…for a few months…only to eventually let the days get away from me without spending any time with God besides a quick prayer here and there. A few years ago, when my small group decided to take a break, I gathered a stack of devotion books from around my house and began scanning them to see which would be the next that I would try to commit to. After a while I realized that I was looking forward to reading each one and hearing what God had to say to me through these new friends.
Most days there seemed to be a theme to what each author/friend was sharing that interestingly fed off what I’d written in my journal before I started reading. I would write about things from the previous day or week that I’d done or was concerned about and the devotions would speak to those issues in one way or another like a conversation in a small group flows about the topic of the day. I was truly amazed at how God met me each morning through these readings and my writings. He knows me. He knows how to communicate with me in meaningful ways. He knows how to communicate with everyone in meaningful ways to them. So, this blog is my attempt to encourage folks to seek ways of spending time with God that are meaningful to them and to find themselves saying, “Wow, where did the time go?!”
This morning’s entry from Streams in the Desert (by L.B Cowman) reminded me that, “Waiting with hope is very difficult, but true patience is expressed when we must even wait for hope.” Much of the past year was spent waiting and hoping my father was on the road to recovery like he had been so many other times during his life. I also feel a little this way about all the ongoing repair and remodeling projects we have at our house and our rental houses. There’s so much to do Lord. Will we ever finish? Cowman continued, “When we see no hint of success yet refuse to despair…that is the greatest kind of patience in the universe.” We have indeed finished some major projects in the past, and those completions do inspire us in the current ones to patiently continue on. I assumed that my father would recover this time like he always had, but it was not to be this time. “You have taught us that Your will should be accepted, simply because it is Your will.” I can tell that I have grown some on this topic because typically I would have been lamenting more these past months about what I could/should have done for my father. I’ve wondered somewhat about what could have been if I had done this or that differently, but I haven’t agonized over the what ifs quite like I have in the past.
Power Thoughts (by Joyce Meyer) – “…Paul did not claim perfection…He knew he made mistakes, but he did not reject and despise himself because of them.” God is addressing my doubts about the could’ve and should’ves. I believe God has been speaking to me through many of the devotions (and my friends who try to remind me that I can’t look back and second guess all of my decisions) these last months about letting go of the lamenting. More and more I am able to accept that I did the best I could with what I knew at the time. My father’s life and outcomes were in God’s hands, not mine. And now he is WITH Him! It just hit me that Daddy has probably met our Mayflower ancestors that he did genealogy research on when he was younger!
My Utmost for His Highest (by Oswald Chambers) talks about “innocent ignorance” and that when we claim that about ourselves, we live in a “fool’s paradise” that is a “mixture of cowardice and the protection of a civilized life.” Sometimes I think I haven’t gotten on with starting this blog because I want to protect my life as it is. I’m afraid to step out and perhaps step on toes. I don’t want to be judged, criticized, or attacked. BUT, God will be with me. He’s not afraid, so I don’t have to be afraid either. “…when the Holy Spirit comes in, He brings into the centre of my personal life the very Spirit that was manifested in the life of Jesus Christ, viz. Holy Spirit, which is unsullied purity.”
Jesus Always (by Sarah Young) – “I know exactly what is before you, and I can alter the path ahead of you to make your way easier….I do not protect you – or anyone – from all adversity. Neither was I shielded from hardship….I willingly suffered….for your sake….you will never have to suffer alone….I am always with you.” God was with Daddy and with me all this past year as decisions were being made. He corrected our paths where necessary. Daddy’s decline and death were not a surprise to Him. Thank You God for that reminder and reassurance.
As sometimes happens, my reading and journaling got interrupted with the happenings of the day. So that is all I will share for today, which is probably good since this was longer than I intended. Until next time (if I can figure out how to post this)!
