August 8 & 9 2025 – Doubts
[Warning – this is longer than I planned for it to be.] As I was finishing the August 7 post in the eye foundation exam room Thurs night, the doctor came in with Don’s results. Fortunately, he didn’t have a tear so no laser for him thankfully. He said he does have a vitreous detachment which happens as we age (didn’t know that). If I understand what he quickly said, the jelly on the back of the eye is usually pressed on the retina, but over time it becomes more of a liquid and separates from the retina which causes the flashes of light. There’s nothing really to worry about unless he starts seeing bug or spider-type floaters or curtains over his vision. The other night they said my tears were related to age and to nearsightedness. Several friends have said this is all new to them so hopefully our experiences will be a good heads up for folks.
When I sat down Friday morning (the 8th) to read, write and spend time with God, the blurriness was frustrating; and, I was tired because I got up at 5:30am to drive to the main campus of our church for the prayer service. I wanted to go in person because Friday they had healing prayer. As I look back from the vantage point of Sunday, I wonder why I didn’t ask God to help me push on through my reading and writing in order to spend time with, and hear from, Him. I missed an opportunity, but He’s a patient Father and I think He knew better than I did that I was still in a bit of shock from the issues this past week. Actually, I don’t know that I could have taken in much more than just His presence Friday morning. Not seeing well while wearing my glasses is something new to adjust to.
When I first got to the sanctuary (or auditorium, I’m not sure what these big campuses call the worship room), I sat up high where we usually sit, but then moved to the main floor up closer to the stage so it would be easier to go up for prayer. After I sat down, I realized I was behind the youth, rows and rows of young people. Driving into the parking lot, there was a car in front of me with SENIOR painted across the back windshield (an exciting rite of passage I’m sure). I couldn’t have imagined the student section being so large and the students being as moved as they seemed to be. Even if some of their motives were possibly to “go along” with friends, what a great place to follow friends to.
Most of the kids went in all directions during the private prayer time, but one young man stayed at his seat praying and, during the last song, he not only raised his hands, but I could tell he was emphasizing words as he sang. He was not being showy with his emotions. He seemed to feel them, like so many others around him; and, I found myself tearing up thinking about what a strong start in life these young people were getting. [At the end of Saturday morning’s prayer service, the pastor was apparently so moved by their presence, not just early before school during the week, but also on a sleep-in Saturday, that he invited them to run up to the front for the last song. What energy there must have been in that worship room yesterday! Don said that if he’d invited all the over 60s to come up, they would’ve needed to play a slow song to make sure we all got up there before the song ended. Haha]
At 6:30am, during the private prayer time, I saw the prayer partners lining up in front of the stage. I was paired with a young woman who seemed gifted in praying over people because she heard my faith-filled reluctance to be there and lifted up my three concerns (my eyes, my neck, and my shoulder) with such kindness and understanding. I told her I know there are so many more needs, and more critical needs, than mine, but I know our God is bigger than all of them and He wants us to ask for His touch on every sized need. She anointed me with oil and I walked away trusting God to work all things for good. His way not mine. My eye was still blurry and my neck and shoulder still hurt, but I believed and continued to tear up watching the youth reaching out to God.
I had thought I would rest my eyes for a while Friday morning, but before closing them, I Googled light blue cars, specifically the light blue Toyota Highlander that I’d seen the day before. (I have always wanted a light blue car because my mother had a light blue station wagon but have always ended up with beige cars for some reason. I figured with all of the choices out there, blue would help me at least narrow down the search.) I’ve wrangled a Suburban for 21 years and have loved it and have been so grateful for all that it has gotten us through, but I had wanted a smaller car (that is easier to park), yet one still large enough for my father’s wheelchair and others to ride with us and have been looking off and on for a couple of years. Earlier this year, when it was becoming clear that he would not be able to get in and out of any car safely even with help, we got a used mobility van that he only got to ride in three times before he died in April at 99! We definitely miss him, but how can you lament 99 years except that he was just months shy of 100!
I’ve been praying and asking God for help in selling the van and in finding a smaller car for me, but I’ve not been in a hurry. It appears, through a friend who cares for elderly people, that there’s a couple who want the van so I felt free to start the search again and ran down to what I thought was the nearby Toyota dealership (rather than resting my eyes). I showed the young woman, who met me at my car, the photo and she told me that I was at the Nissan dealership. I could blame it on blurry eyes, but it’s more likely being in a hurry and assuming I knew where I was going. She took my name though and said she’d let me know if she came across anything that I might like. I spent the next few hours looking at and test-driving other cars, including the light blue Highlander at the Toyota dealership, but ended up back at Nissan when the woman let me know she’d just gotten one in. It was grey, not blue, but I drove it anyway and began realizing that it was too big and that I don’t have to have the mom-mobile anymore that is capable of carrying a load of people (and gear); so, she showed me several other options (two Tucsons and a Rogue) that I ended up showing to Don on Sat. When I walked into the showroom at one point, “Bless the Lord Oh My Soul” was playing and that gave me peace.
We went to lunch to talk and pray about the cars we’d seen (and the one we decided we liked most out of the three contenders – a silver Tucson). A friend called at the end of our lunch asking about our eyes, and when I told her about us contemplating a car, she said she always asks God for guidance. It was a sweet reminder to me that God does care about this decision and was speaking to us through her. We went home so we could each Google, think, and pray and for me to read my devotions from the 8th and the 9th and lean into God for guidance. I professed, “You go before me and after me. I trust You. Is this how You want me to use my resources?”
Prevail 220 (8th) was entitled, “We Have Heard God is With You.” Comforting reminder which seemed like confirmation that God was with us on this, but I wanted more assurance because I tend to second guess decisions. Larson writes, “Zechariah pronounced an end to the old and a declaration of the new.” Is that the end of the old Suburban and a declaration for the new Tuscon (literally a barely used 2025 rather than a very used model)? “May your life reflect God’s active and real presence on earth today.” Yes, Lord. It excites me to be used by You for You to speak through my voice and my writing! [Makes me think of some of the sermon this morning (9th) about being vision-filled.] Larson continues, “I want my life to so reflect Your heart of grace and power….”
Prevail 221 (9th) – “You know where your help comes from….” Yes I do.
Power 8th – “It is very beneficial to think about God’s Word because it reveals His will and His amazing plan for His children.” I told God that I was getting excited about the car (and the search being over and not hurting my shoulder with the gear shift anymore and getting to listen to books through the speakers and a lot of other features.) And then Don text’d saying we should get the car. He is the head of our household so I asked God if that was Him leading us through Don.
Power 9th – “Our worth and value, our acceptance and approval, come from Him. As long as we have Him, we have the most valuable thing in the world.” I told God, “I trust You, Lord, to give us blessings and to save us from missteps. Thank You. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.” Joyce continued, “When we need what the world offers in order to feel good about ourselves, God often withholds it. Once we no longer need those things, He can give them to us because He knows they will not control us.” After lunch, we went to two more lots and got a little frustrated at the selection wondering if we needed to decide on the Tucson or keep looking all over town. I told God, I don’t need this car and interestingly as I wrote those words in my journal, my ink ran dry which seemed like a sign to stop writing and go see about the car with the hour and a half we had ‘til they closed.
It took some haggling to get some of the unnecessary add-ons knocked off and bring the final price into a more reasonable range. We almost left and probably should have when they wouldn’t accept our expired insurance cards as proof of insurance and wouldn’t let us take the car even after we paid. Why would they? And why didn’t we have up-to-date cards? We always have them either on us or in the cars. We couldn’t find any before we left the house (was that a sign to wait). I also did a quick search before we left and found some blue Ford Escapes at a dealership nearby. Since we have a gift of money from some of the inheritance that has come in, we decided to not confuse the issue with more shopping and to take this opportunity to get a nice car with some bells and whistles I’m not used to. After I got home, I journaled about the purchase, but told God I felt a little unsettled, especially since we didn’t get to take the car home. Did we rush this? Should we have waited to secure insurance? “I’m sorry if we did the wrong thing.”
JC 8th – “You hear Me in the depths of Your being….You are blessed to hear Me so directly….I am training you to cultivate a thankful mindset….As you learn these lessons, you are to teach them to others. I will open up the way before you, one step at a time.” Lord, thank You for this car with all the safety features and interesting special touches (that make me feel a little spoiled).
JC 9th – “I want you to trust Me enough to realize your privileged position in My kingdom….Keep your eyes on Me….”
Streams 8th – There is much in this devotion to claim and learn from, but as I looked through floaters and still have a little blurriness, this spoke to me, “Whenever your heart and your flesh fail you, look up and claim victory!” I wrote, “I claim victory, Lord, and thank You for the doctor and the procedure that repaired my retina. I also claim victory over this iffy feeling I have about the car. I didn’t want to keep looking but I wondered if I should. I pretty much always doubt what I do. I’m sorry. Please help me to be more confident.”
Streams 9th – “…the comforting drops of heavenly dew fall only after the sun has set.”
Utmost 8th – “Is the Son of God praying in me or am I dictating to Him?”
Utmost 9th – “Is the Son of God getting His chance in me?…Never let common sense obtrude and push the Son of God on one side.”
Max 8th is entitled, “Don’t settle” and he is talking about not settling for just knowing God and Jesus. “The Holy Spirit is central to the life of the Christian.” I, however, also wondered if He was using that to point out that I shouldn’t have settled on that car so quickly. Or did He mean that getting a car with less bells and whistles would have been settling? This is a real earthly problem, but God cares about our dilemmas no matter how big or small.
Max 9th – Isaiah 25:8 – “He will swallow up death forever.” Makes me think of Daddy.
At this point in my reading, I did wonder whether God had concealed those cards so we wouldn’t buy the car – at least not last night. “God, please, give me peace or correct my wrong step. It seemed like the right thing to do. Why do I do this? I’m tired of doubt and second guessing and not knowing what is of You or not and when to wait and when to act. Indecisiveness is a sin I think. I’m sorry. Help me, Lord!
JA 8th – “When you realize that fear of man is motivating you – controlling your thoughts and behavior – come to Me. At your request, I will forgive you.”
JA 9th – “Come rest with Me, beloved….” It was not an easy path I took to find that Tucson so I do wonder if that was You allowing me to go to the wrong dealership to make that connection and then wind up back there when the salesgirl beckoned me back. “As you return your attention to Me, let your concerns roll off….Meditate on Scripture.” Ok.
Proverbs 3:6 – “In everything you do, put God first, and He will direct you and crown your efforts with success.” We prayed before we went, we prayed at lunch, we prayed at home – I cast this concern on You and trust that You did lead us. In Jesus’ Name Amen.
(Note: I hope dragging you along on this ride was in someway helpful perhaps in seeing that others have doubts while still trusting God and wanting His ways. We just have to keep looking to Him as he matures our faith!)
